Dewey's Readathon

I'll be taking a break from school and work this Saturday to participate in Dewey's 24 Hour Readathon. It's the only day I have off this week (yay, library life!) and I have been turning down invites for fun social things to do on that day but I have no regrets because I'm looking forward to having a whole day where I do nothing but read and maybe participate in a few challenges.

This is my current book goal:

• milk and honey by Rupi Kaur
• After the Kiss by Terra Elan McVoy
• Brown Girl Dreaming by Jacqueline Woodson
• Drama by Raina Telgemeier
• Ariel: The Restored Edition by Sylvia Plath
• I'll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson
• Ms. Marvel, Vol. 1: No Normal by G. Willow Wilson

If you'd like to join in the readathon, you can sign up here. I'll be tweeting throughout the day about my progress through the books I'm reading or how badly I want to take a nap or cheering on other readathon participants. If you'll be joining the crazy, tweet me or leave a comment! I'd love to see what others are reading.

Now to get an assignment done before Saturday so I'm not stewing in grad student guilt all day Saturday.

October

How is it October already?! Yesterday was July and sticky with the heat of Texas' summer. And now it's October and Texas is in one of its rare moods where it actually feels like fall: crisp with a bite to it.

Fall is my favorite season. I love the holidays and the colors, I love the symbolism of new beginnings, I love the weather when it actually feels like fall, and I like that I can pull out my hoodies and drink pumpkin spice lattes. Summer is lovely but fall is beautiful. It's a little ridiculous how a season can put me in such a good mood but it does.

October is shaping up to be a crazy busy month, though.

On top of an endless amount of grad school work, I'm also working 3 weekends this month. That's on top of my usual work shift. When I'm not working I have plans with friends that I'm excited about but I'm not sure when I'll get to sleep in my near future. I can't wait to take advantage of all the spooky Halloween fun we have planned, though.

How I'll be celebrating this month:

Denton Ghost Tour
The Addams Family musical
Japanese horror-themed haunted house
more?

Aaannnnd I'm participating in a daily photo challenge on Instagram. (Follow me!)

There's no real point to this post except I love fall and I'm feeling happy and whole and loved. I'm hoping that for all of you, too!

Probably Too Much Honesty

I've been terrified of blank pages and clean slates lately. There have been so many changes going on in my personal life that I'm seeking consistency and sure bets everywhere else: at work, in my writing, in the entertainment I put in front of me. But there aren't any sure bets, in anything. Usually, I'd love that. I resist monotony and most things that are deemed too "traditional". I especially resist settling in any form of the word.

But.

(And this is a soft but, but still a whisper can be really loud when you're purposely trying to ignore it.)

When you had a certain level of "knowing" how things are, of a pretense of how things are going to be, it can be terrifying and jarring to be rocketed into the unknown. Within the last month I have moved out of an apartment with three best friends, a place that we all thought we'd be living in for at least two years. That change was big and it happened because of a really (good) big life decision on one of my friend's behalf. I've ended a relationship that changed directions in a matter of days and has me still reeling because who, emotions, me? I've not been able to write even a sentence in my WIP that I like. I have no idea where I'll be even a year from now.

Everything is up in the air. Everything. And the Type-A planner in me is wanting to spiral out of control because there is no possible way I can control everything.

I know that right now I have endless opportunities ahead of me.

And before this summer started, I was looking forward to endless opportunities. I was making my way through this year just to get to the next step: graduation. After that: who knew?

Now, though, I'm drowning in so many maybes, doubts, what-ifs, groundless hopes.

I'm trying to maneuver my way into a semblance of what my life was like before May but I think I'm learning that I need to give myself time. Life is crazy and strange and terrifying and heartbreaking and beautiful. It's impossible for me to have the answers when what I'm best at is asking questions.

Things I Plan On Doing When I Finish Grad School:

• read all of the books I own. All. Of. Them. I own way too many that I haven't read.

• binge watch a TV show on Netflix. Breaking Bad? House of Cards? Orange is the New Black? Drop Dead Diva? The world of Netflix will be my oyster. 
• plot out and write my book without feeling guilty about papers or assignments I should be working on.
• hold a party to celebrate because I'LL BE FINISHED. 

• go on a mother-daughter trip. Boston, San Fransisco, Hawaii, somewhere else? 
• sleep. So much sleep. 

Milestones

I've always been fat, had fat, however you want to say it. Weight has been an issue for me ever since a boy on the playground made pig noises at me in the fourth grade. I spent years perfecting ways to hide my body--the rolls, the curves, and then the stretch marks. I wore baggy jeans. I wore hoodies and formless, too large T-shirts. My issues with my weight led to, or maybe exacerbated, my self-esteem in other parts of my life: I couldn't be beautiful because I was fat. I was fat so therefore I was lazy. Being fat made me not worthy.

There were a lot of floral patterns in the '90s.

If I could tell High School Me one thing, it would be: you are beautiful. Period. You aren't lazy, you are ambitious and hardworking and you will prove yourself and others wrong about what a girl, fat or not, can do. You are more than worthy. You have fat. Fat is part of your existence, and it will always be a part of who you are, but it does not mean that you are less than. There will be days, weeks, months that you will continue to struggle with who you are and how you look, but you will have friends that will lift you up and have your back. You have family that loves you no matter the size of your jeans or the dreams that you chase.

And one day, you will step on the scale after months and months of hard work and be at a number that you never thought possible.

That's where I'm at today.

I've reached a milestone in my weight loss journey and I'm proud of myself and thrilled to be where I am. I still have a long way to go before I reach my "goal weight", but I'm a little over halfway there.

I still am plus size and and have rolls, curves, and stretch marks. I still have fat. But I'm not lazy. I'm beautiful and have self-worth, which is worth more than what I thought the boys in high school would give me.

Be proud. Be happy. And continue to kick ass. 

A Lot of Thoughts Written on Digital Paper

My friends and I have a shared Google Doc where we update each other on our lives, worries, and plans. It has now been two years since we started writing in it and I found myself reading through it the other day. Seeing how much we have changed and grew over the years has me feeling not so... stuck. I'll probably wake up tomorrow or the next day with that same stuck, wanting to get out feeling but right now I'm proud of us because none of us are where we were two years ago. That isn't something huge, of course, because changes are bound to happen over the years but I like being able to "see" the changes even if it is in the different worries, the different plans, the different writing styles in a shared Google document.

But (there's almost always a but), there is still a lot I want to do. And this year I'm going to be 1) making those things happen or 2) getting myself ready for those things to happen in the future.

I’m going to spend this year getting healthy, finishing grad school, and having a fun time. I want to go out and meet people. By this time next year I want to have wider and deeper experiences. I want to be smarter and more confident. I want to always choose my own well-being first but never to the detriment of others around me. I don’t want my life to be a series of “what ifs” and “if onlys”. I want to build up experiences, creating a mountain out of my life. I want to be wanted and worth knowing.

I’m more than the gazes that take me in and the hands that pull me closer.

I am flawed, but I'm also beautiful. I am opinionated, independent, strong, ambitious, open-minded, intelligent, loyal, and a calculated risk-taker. I am passionate about life and little things that bring me incalculable joy. I love books, writing, new notebooks, ballpoint pens, traveling, maps, street photography, architecture, libraries, roadside attractions, carnivals, new episodes of my favorite TV shows, movies that make me laugh or cry or shock me, doodling names of the people in my life, making To Do lists, fresh coffee in the morning, finding that sweet spot when writing word sprints, strawberry rhubarb pie, impressing my mom, dancing to music alone in my room, finding the perfect gift for someone, watching someone open a perfect gift, hanging out with my friends, that scared/nervous jolt of a feeling when you’re about to do something out of your comfort zone. I am a soul in a body and I want to treat both of them well. They both need love and respect and I’m the only that can give it to them.

This is how I'm starting the year:

Happy, loved, excited, and determined. Mission: make 2015 as memorable and life-changing as 2014.

2014: A summary

I’m prone to nostalgia. I’ll find myself nostalgic about a moment while I’m in the moment. I collect and share stories as if they were the only reliable form of trade. I capture events on film because I want the memory to last longer than my mind will retain it. Looking back on 2014, I’m surprised by the places I’ve visited, the people I’ve met, the goals I have (and haven’t) accomplished. For me, 2014 has been a year of change and growth and one that I’ll find myself looking back on fondly--both now and years from now.

I have finished three semesters of my graduate program. I traveled to four countries. I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone with online dating. I have lived through the worst date known to (wo)mankind. I have lost and then gained weight. I've felt beautiful and worldly, but also ugly and unsophisticated. I started working full-time in a career that I continue to work hard for. I have read amazing books, attended my first Comic Con, met a celebrity crush (and hugged him). I completed my first and second 5K. I’ve laughed, cried, cheered in triumph and wallowed in self-doubt. I’m now closer to 30 than 20 and I have a lot to accomplish before I’m ready to say “Good job, Britney. Now let’s go home.”

New Year's Eve in Denton.

One of my closest friends during high school got married in March
-- another reminder that time is flying by way too fast.

One of my favorite people (Hilary)
came to visit from Portland in March!

Visited family in Arkansas in April for little cousin's birthday.

Because I’m a listmaker and an oversharer, I wanted to go through some of my favorites of 2014. Books, TV shows, memories. There’s a lot so bare with me.

Books

Surprisingly, my favorite reads of this year have all been adult fiction. Looking through my Goodreads list, I realized that I didn’t read as much young adult literature as I usually do. I don’t regret the things I have read. Instead, I feel that I’ve opened myself up to books I hadn’t in the last few years, which I’m thankful for because these five books will stay with me for a long time.

1. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
2. Me Before You by Jojo Moyes
3. The Age of Miracles by Karen Thompson Walker
4. People of the Book by Geraldine Brooks
5. Room by Emma Donoghue

TV

So much television, so little time. I watch too much TV and this year I have somehow found time to watch even more of it while working and attending school and having a social life. You know, if I spent as much time exercising as I do watching TV, I’d probably be at least 30 pounds lighter. But then I’d be sad and skinnier instead of happy from all my fandom love. My top favorites for this year:

1. The 100
2. The Walking Dead
3. Roswell
4. Vikings
5. Jane the Virgin
6. Game of Thrones
7. Finding Carter
8. Pretty Little Liars

Even I am judging myself on my choices.  But not enough to change my viewing habits. If you haven’t watched The 100, GO WATCH IT NOW. I’m addicted and caught up on 1.5 seasons within, like, a week. It has strong, badass, smart female characters, amazing plot, and explores science/science fiction and humanity in these amazing twists and turns. Also, it has this guy:

Places I’ve visited:

The Netherlands (Amsterdam)
Germany (Mainz, Stuttgart, Ludwigsburg, Wiesbaden, Rudesheim, and St Goarhausen)

Czech Republic (Karlovy Vary and Prague)

France (Strasbourg, Paris, and Versailles)

Tulsa Comic Con

Austin for Texas Teen Book Festival, which I didn’t go to because WORST HANGOVER IN THE WORLD

Amsterdam (Netherlands) and Mainz, Wiesbaden, Rudesheim
and St Goarhausen (Germany) with my mom and family friends in May.

Worked and met some great people in Stuttgart, Germany at
the International School of Stuttgart in May.
Visited Ludwigsburg, Germany
and Strasbourg, France as well.

After a long and crazy trip including at least 2 or 3 trains and a few buses,
we finally got to Karlovy Vary, Czech Republic, where we helped
create the library for the Carlsbad International School.
We ended our trip in Prague!

Went to Paris with my sister and saw a study abroad friend!

Moved into TARDIS House with 3 of my best friends
and we got this adorable kitten, Pepper!

Met Norman Reedus, Scott Wilson, and Tom Felton
at Tulsa Comic Con with Amy and Heather!

Halloween Party!

Ugly Christmas Sweater Party