A Lot of Thoughts Written on Digital Paper

My friends and I have a shared Google Doc where we update each other on our lives, worries, and plans. It has now been two years since we started writing in it and I found myself reading through it the other day. Seeing how much we have changed and grew over the years has me feeling not so... stuck. I'll probably wake up tomorrow or the next day with that same stuck, wanting to get out feeling but right now I'm proud of us because none of us are where we were two years ago. That isn't something huge, of course, because changes are bound to happen over the years but I like being able to "see" the changes even if it is in the different worries, the different plans, the different writing styles in a shared Google document.

But (there's almost always a but), there is still a lot I want to do. And this year I'm going to be 1) making those things happen or 2) getting myself ready for those things to happen in the future.

I’m going to spend this year getting healthy, finishing grad school, and having a fun time. I want to go out and meet people. By this time next year I want to have wider and deeper experiences. I want to be smarter and more confident. I want to always choose my own well-being first but never to the detriment of others around me. I don’t want my life to be a series of “what ifs” and “if onlys”. I want to build up experiences, creating a mountain out of my life. I want to be wanted and worth knowing.

I’m more than the gazes that take me in and the hands that pull me closer.

I am flawed, but I'm also beautiful. I am opinionated, independent, strong, ambitious, open-minded, intelligent, loyal, and a calculated risk-taker. I am passionate about life and little things that bring me incalculable joy. I love books, writing, new notebooks, ballpoint pens, traveling, maps, street photography, architecture, libraries, roadside attractions, carnivals, new episodes of my favorite TV shows, movies that make me laugh or cry or shock me, doodling names of the people in my life, making To Do lists, fresh coffee in the morning, finding that sweet spot when writing word sprints, strawberry rhubarb pie, impressing my mom, dancing to music alone in my room, finding the perfect gift for someone, watching someone open a perfect gift, hanging out with my friends, that scared/nervous jolt of a feeling when you’re about to do something out of your comfort zone. I am a soul in a body and I want to treat both of them well. They both need love and respect and I’m the only that can give it to them.

This is how I'm starting the year:

Happy, loved, excited, and determined. Mission: make 2015 as memorable and life-changing as 2014.

2014: A summary

I’m prone to nostalgia. I’ll find myself nostalgic about a moment while I’m in the moment. I collect and share stories as if they were the only reliable form of trade. I capture events on film because I want the memory to last longer than my mind will retain it. Looking back on 2014, I’m surprised by the places I’ve visited, the people I’ve met, the goals I have (and haven’t) accomplished. For me, 2014 has been a year of change and growth and one that I’ll find myself looking back on fondly--both now and years from now.

I have finished three semesters of my graduate program. I traveled to four countries. I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone with online dating. I have lived through the worst date known to (wo)mankind. I have lost and then gained weight. I've felt beautiful and worldly, but also ugly and unsophisticated. I started working full-time in a career that I continue to work hard for. I have read amazing books, attended my first Comic Con, met a celebrity crush (and hugged him). I completed my first and second 5K. I’ve laughed, cried, cheered in triumph and wallowed in self-doubt. I’m now closer to 30 than 20 and I have a lot to accomplish before I’m ready to say “Good job, Britney. Now let’s go home.”

New Year's Eve in Denton.

One of my closest friends during high school got married in March
-- another reminder that time is flying by way too fast.

One of my favorite people (Hilary)
came to visit from Portland in March!

Visited family in Arkansas in April for little cousin's birthday.

Because I’m a listmaker and an oversharer, I wanted to go through some of my favorites of 2014. Books, TV shows, memories. There’s a lot so bare with me.

Books

Surprisingly, my favorite reads of this year have all been adult fiction. Looking through my Goodreads list, I realized that I didn’t read as much young adult literature as I usually do. I don’t regret the things I have read. Instead, I feel that I’ve opened myself up to books I hadn’t in the last few years, which I’m thankful for because these five books will stay with me for a long time.

1. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
2. Me Before You by Jojo Moyes
3. The Age of Miracles by Karen Thompson Walker
4. People of the Book by Geraldine Brooks
5. Room by Emma Donoghue

TV

So much television, so little time. I watch too much TV and this year I have somehow found time to watch even more of it while working and attending school and having a social life. You know, if I spent as much time exercising as I do watching TV, I’d probably be at least 30 pounds lighter. But then I’d be sad and skinnier instead of happy from all my fandom love. My top favorites for this year:

1. The 100
2. The Walking Dead
3. Roswell
4. Vikings
5. Jane the Virgin
6. Game of Thrones
7. Finding Carter
8. Pretty Little Liars

Even I am judging myself on my choices.  But not enough to change my viewing habits. If you haven’t watched The 100, GO WATCH IT NOW. I’m addicted and caught up on 1.5 seasons within, like, a week. It has strong, badass, smart female characters, amazing plot, and explores science/science fiction and humanity in these amazing twists and turns. Also, it has this guy:

Places I’ve visited:

The Netherlands (Amsterdam)
Germany (Mainz, Stuttgart, Ludwigsburg, Wiesbaden, Rudesheim, and St Goarhausen)

Czech Republic (Karlovy Vary and Prague)

France (Strasbourg, Paris, and Versailles)

Tulsa Comic Con

Austin for Texas Teen Book Festival, which I didn’t go to because WORST HANGOVER IN THE WORLD

Amsterdam (Netherlands) and Mainz, Wiesbaden, Rudesheim
and St Goarhausen (Germany) with my mom and family friends in May.

Worked and met some great people in Stuttgart, Germany at
the International School of Stuttgart in May.
Visited Ludwigsburg, Germany
and Strasbourg, France as well.

After a long and crazy trip including at least 2 or 3 trains and a few buses,
we finally got to Karlovy Vary, Czech Republic, where we helped
create the library for the Carlsbad International School.
We ended our trip in Prague!

Went to Paris with my sister and saw a study abroad friend!

Moved into TARDIS House with 3 of my best friends
and we got this adorable kitten, Pepper!

Met Norman Reedus, Scott Wilson, and Tom Felton
at Tulsa Comic Con with Amy and Heather!

Halloween Party!

Ugly Christmas Sweater Party

Two Weeks

I have two weeks left of the semester. Well, actually a week and a half. I have two final essays that I haven't started that are due next Friday and a final project due next Thursday.   I also have a few smaller assignments due between now and then as well. I should be working on all of the above but I keep tweaking the site as a way of procrastinating. I procrastinate so much that one day it will be detrimental to my health or my grades.

I leave for Europe on Monday, May 5th, which is a couple days after my finals are due. And during those couple of days I'll be working. Needless to say, I'm ready to be on the plane and flying away from these responsibilities for a month. I'm also ready for this summer as I'll be taking a break from classes after study abroad. I'm going to try to do Camp NaNoWriMo in July and will be reading whatever I want.

Things I'm loving right now:

1. Cupcakes. This isn't new love, but I did win a dozen cupcakes from the author Rebecca Petruck and WHAT DIET. 
2. Marking things off my To Do list. It takes me forever to get things marked off but when I do it's seriously a natural high.
3. Roswell. Not the town (I've been there. It's a small, boring tourist trap.), but the 90s teen show. I just started watching it as background noise while I work on stuff and now I'm shipping characters and loving the ridiculousness.
4. This dress:
   
   
   
   
   

Updates and Such

It's 4 AM on a Tuesday and I can't sleep. I should be working on assignments I have due coming up or on my book or even doing my FAFSA or ACA forms and sign-ups, but I have a terrible habit of self-sabotage. Which is probably why I haven't followed through on any of the goals I have set out for myself this year. Except for not failing out of grad school. That one is probably taking up most of my time and energy right now, and it has been my excuse for sucking at every other thing I'd like to do for myself this year (losing weight, writing a book, checking things off my bucket list).

I do have some new, good news though.

1. I have a large loan to pay for school and live on. This one is bittersweet because of just how large it is.

2. I'll be working ("studying") abroad this summer. I got accepted and the time approved off of work and I can't wait to be back in Europe. I'll be working in libraries in Stuttgart, Germany and Karlovy-Vary, Czech Republic. I'll be flying over there a few days early with my mom (to sightsee in Amsterdam and a little bit in Germany) and will be staying for a few days after the program to see Paris with my sister. I'm also hoping to see one of my old study abroad friends while I'm in Paris as well.

3. I haven't failed out of grad school yet. I'm stressed 110% of the time and am ready to have the degree in my hand but I am glad to feel like I'm moving toward something again.

4. I have great family and friends that I need to be more actively grateful for. I'm extremely lucky to have  my support system.

5. My Mad Fat Diary is back on and I couldn't be more happy/obsessed. Seriously, find it and watch it. I'm looking into a region free DVD player just so I can own the first season on DVD.

6. It's almost March (how?!) and although that has me freaking out about midterms and assignments and deadlines in life, it also means that Hilary will be here soon! I can't wait to take her around to different restaurants (Texas knows how to do food) and be lazy and watch YouTube videos, TV shows, Divergent and just do whatever. Texas doesn't hold a candle to Portland (I'm wondering if I need to warn her about the lack of trees) but I'm excited to see her and show her around!

Exhibit A in case for Texas Food: BABE'S!!!

7a. I only work for four hours tomorrow, and three of them will be with my book club and we'll be discussing Me Before You by Jojo Moyes. READ THIS BOOK. And have a box of Kleenex nearby when you do.

7b. I'll (hopefully) have time to work on some assignments before work tomorrow, which will help relieve some of the guilt I have right now. After work I'll be meeting with Gabi to write. I miss writing regularly. Every time I do write, it's like a physical limb grows back where a phantom limb was before.

Change is A-comin'

The new year officially began a couple weeks ago but today is the day that big changes are really happening for me.

I'm beginning grad school. I think I'm ready for this next step but with it has come a lot of stress--mostly financial. Without getting too much into it, I'm still unsure how I'm going to pay for school. I feel like I'm waiting around for a miracle and "impatient" is putting what I am lightly. I'm a planner to the nth degree. Without mincing words, I'm a tad type-A. I don't do well hoping that things will work out because life, so far, has taught me that if you want, or need, something, you need to be the one that goes out and gets shit done. So I'm trying and I feel like I'm failing and that's a pretty crappy feeling.

But, back to the actual school part. I'll be taking one class on campus that meets weekly every Monday night for three hours (Information and Knowledge Professionals), and I'm taking two classes online (Information Organization and Adult Material & Reading). I don't have any books yet but I'm excited to get back into school mode. I'm sure this will change within a week but at least I'm going in excited about books and learning and making the next step in my career.

I'm also going to get back into watching what I eat and exercising. I was doing pretty well until the holidays hit and then I kind of just... gave up. I loved feeling like I was in control of my body and seeing results and I felt better physically. I'm ready to get back into taking care of myself.

My plan of attack on the Get Healthy front:

• Step on the scale in the morning. Write the number down and don't get back on the scale for another week.
• Track what I eat in My Fitness Pal. Put everything in there, both the good and the bad.
• Make my way to the gym at least twice, preferably three times, a week. Exercise for at least an hour each visit. 
• Reward myself at certain weight goals. Could be a new outfit or maybe a new book or something. #PositiveReinforcement 

And I'm also going to try to work on Zombie Book and edit/revise Road Trip Book. While I'm taking three grad classes and working part-time.

I have other new stuff on the horizon. 2014 has the potential to be pretty damn awesome or one anxiety fest after another. Here goes nothin'. 

Bout of Books 9.0

Although my reading pile
is pretty daunting,
the anxiety is because of
grad school.

This is my sign up post for the Bout of Books 9.0 readathon. I have today, Wednesday and this weekend off so I'm hoping that I can squeeze in a few books when I'm not working on scholarship essays and binge-watching Being Human. I think this might be the motivation I need to move some books off of my massive To Read bookcase before grad school starts next Monday.

This is what my To Read bookcase looks like. 

And to be completely honest, this isn't all of the books I own and haven't read yet. I have a problem. I know this. One of my resolutions for this year is to make a pretty large dent in it.

Not sure what Bout of Books is? Here's the official blurb:

The Bout of Books read-a-thon is organized by Amanda @ On a Book Bender and Kelly @ Reading the Paranormal. It is a week long read-a-thon that begins 12:01am Monday, January 6th and runs through Sunday, January 12th in whatever time zone you are in. Bout of Books is low-pressure, and the only reading competition is between you and your usual number of books read in a week. There are challenges, giveaways, and a grand prize, but all of these are completely optional. For all Bout of Books 9.0 information and updates, be sure to visit the Bout of Books blog. - From the Bout of Books team

January 6th: 

Finished: Grasshopper Jungle by Andrew Smith

January 7th:

Worked, started The Orphan Master's Son by Adam Johnson

January 8th:

Reading  The Orphan Master's Son by Adam Johnson

January 9th:

Worked, still reading The Orphan Master's Son by Adam Johnson

January 10th:

Worked, still reading The Orphan Master's Son by Adam Johnson

January 11th:

Finished The Orphan Master's Son by Adam Johnson

Began Clever Maids: The Secret History of the Grimm Fairy Tales by Valerie Paradiz

January 12th: 

Finished A Feast for Crows by George R. R. Martin 

Books Reads: 3

Goals:

• Read two books this week. (Done!)
• Participate in some of the challenges and join in the #boutofbooks Twitter chats. (Participated in two of them!)
• Comment on other participants' blogs and see what everyone is reading. (Commented on several different blogs.)

Resolutions for the New Year

It's a new year and I have spent the first day of it in my pajamas with my family. I have marathoned American Horror Story and Being Human and right now I have no regrets.

I rang in the New Year with some of my best friends and if that's a sign of how 2014 will be, then I consider myself very blessed.

Now for the resolutions. I have a list of 25 things I plan to do before my next birthday but the Big Resolutions are:

1. Be healthy. I have a weight goal but I want it to be about more than just getting to a certain number. I want to get back into exercising regularly and I want to stop eating out so much. I need a lifestyle change.

2. Query my book. Which means there will be lots of editing and revising and stressing and rejection but nothing comes from nothing and I need to face all of my fears and just do it.

3. This one is for me. I'll let you guys know if it happens.

Things I'm excited about this year:

• Starting grad school.
• Hilary will be visiting in March! I can't wait to see her and show her the D/FW area although I don't think it could live up to Portland.
• Studying abroad in Germany and Czech Republic this summer.
• Moving in with some of my best friends.

What are your New Year Resolutions? Do you want to learn a new language, move somewhere new, tell someone you love them? Whatever it is, I'm rooting for you.